So…I had a couple of very busy couple weeks, new job, other blessings coming my way and a weekend full of Salsa dancing, dinner and cocktails which lead to a very sore head the next day 🙈
So I did not have the time to publish last Sunday or even think of anything during the week but however, a conversation with a good friend, last week came about the importance of making lists when we are really not sure of what to do and our thoughts are crowded by emotions.
I was always averse to making lists. Found it to be corny and pointless and tended to follow my heart and my intuition with most things, which also always worked.
Nevertheless sometimes is necessary to think rationally and be 100% real with your flaws and qualities and not take any rushed unfounded decisions that one day you might regret.
However, I made this year, and 3 years ago, a couple of lists that helped me majorly process what I was unconsciously trying not to process since 2014 and also made lists about my career, friendships, and other life-changing topics.
I was trying to process a 2014 heartbreak and rejection and put into paper all the good and bad things that happened during those magical but intense and sad 4 or so months. I put not only events but also all the feelings that I got during and after it happened. I was extremely naive and inexperienced and completely lacked the confidence that I got this year, so making a list was imperative not only to see my growth as a woman but also to see why I was still hurt, how could I move on, and why was I still thinking about a guy that I knew all along, from the moment that I met him, that he was not at all right for me…
I also put, in a separate section, the things that I done after in consequence of that heartbreak, the good and the bad, like going for loads of dates or even get into a pointless, loveless, predictable, boring relationship for 9 months with B. in 2016, that I knew from the 4th date on NYE that it wouldn’t work and that I would never love him, just to avoid to spend time alone to think about J. or my worst fear finding out that he had a new girlfriend while I was single. Terrifying thought even though I was the one leaving him…
So I made a list and confronted my fears. Sat on the floor, grabbed some tea and cake and wrote my heart out. It took me about 8 hours. The list had a pros and a cons side and it was in an A3 format. What I wrote was a revelation and put into perspective a lot of things that I was not aware that I was carrying it with me still in 2017. Writing it down made my heart race, get really hot (ended up just in lingerie), and cry like a baby.
So I never cried or was at all bothered about B. in 2016 breaking up with me, but I would cry about a guy from 2014…WTF??? crazy shit really…a list was needed.
I ended up with 12 pros and 27 cons…
The 12 pros were things that made me wake up with a smile on my face long after it ended and that I will always remember fondly and some qualities that I like on a partner.
The 27 cons were the reasons why I left him, never argued with him about some things, fought for him or wanted him to stay in my life, not even as a friend.
This list also made me realise how much of a badass woman I am for getting out of a situation as soon was starting to affect me. How much self-worth, self-love and self-respect that took, even though I was not aware at the time that I was a badass, only now after a few conversations with ex-co-workers and a good friend that I realize how powerful and cool I was and that now I am even better. The woman that I am now wouldn’t even have allowed the first date with J. or went past the 4th date with B. Still, leaving J., was one of the hardest things that I had to do so far.
This list made me move this year to more meaningful lovable relationships. Now I know what qualities in a man I am looking for and what I will not accept.
Tips to making a list
- Be brutally honest with yourself. Nobody needs to see it or know about it. You can always burn it after.
- This is not the time to ask friends for help or opinions. Only you will know what are you feeling, how much is hurting you and why. Other people’s opinions will only cloud your judgment. We are all different and if you are writing down about relationships only you and the other person will really know what actually happened.
- Write down your worst fears with the worst case scenarios and your wildest dreams and wishes, again, honesty is key.
- Write down what you did wrong, any regrets, any lessons and blessings. Purge it out and after burn it.
- write down not only practical things but also feelings. How you feel about something or someone, sometimes is more important than practical issues
- Be realistic and sensible. If you are writing down, for example, a list of how too much do you hate your job and ways to quit, make sure you be realistic about how much of a financial freedom do you have. Can you quit and still have a roof over your head and food while you are looking for a job? How will you pay the bills? Have you completely exhausted all the possibilities to sort out the situation at work that is stressing you out? Could you wait and look for other jobs or career before slapping your boss in the face with the resignation letter?
- If one outweighs the other will you have the courage to make a decision? sometimes decisions that you make might affect other people, like a divorce or breakups, will you be okay with the fact that you might possibly hurt other people so you could put yourself first?
- Do not have rose tinted glasses. Write facts, not any fantasies about what happened. AGAIN be realistic. Yes, that person might have been very important in your life but you probably weren’t. You might think that people need you in your job but your boss will replace you in 24 hours without even blinking.