I originally saw this title and this post on the Man Repeller (suggestion of the Women Who amazing emails subscription) and it instantly hit right in the heart. This is what I have been battling for the past couple of years. Fear, lack of freedom, lack of confidence and impostor syndrome have been my Achilles heels.
what I would do if I wasn’t scared?
- Quit job
- Take internships of any length even the 1 month one that only pays £6 for daily food allowance.
- Go back to studying and do a master
- Apply for freelance jobs even though I have no experience. Yet
Why am I scared?
- Economic. Lack of funds. I am skint basically. I just can’t afford to do short term internships. 6+ months yes definitely. Less than that, I just can’t justify it. No matter how amazing they might look.
I don’t like lack of stability. Not knowing how and when I will be able to pay my bills, eat and have a roof over my head is a sure thing to make my sleepless nights a constant. Living on £1 a day sausages rolls is something that I was never able to do for a long period of time. Done it when younger and fresh out of Uni but now I’m 31…
Can’t justify it, to go for a master and to be in any more student debt. But also can’t seem to get the job that I want to be able to pay for the masters without the necessary qualifications and experience. It’s a catch 22 for sure.
This post of the Man Repeller made me think of what also separates most of the success stories is Economic Freedom.
Following your dreams and work hard is all good but also to have a roof over your head and food to eat is important also. So what would you choose when you couldn’t choose both.
With Economic Freedom you can study, be creative, take internships,travel without the need to worry when your next meal gonna be, how you will pay rent because parents will help it, student loans will be there, without the need to work 30+ hours a week or get 2/3 jobs or work night shifts to be able to fund anything that you would like to do to progress your career.
With Economic Freedom you will have time to be yourself, you will have nothing but your own self-doubt and fears to conquer. I feel that this lack of Economic Freedom only exaggerated and gave reasons to my fears and self-doubt. Was almost as if not being able to do something due to the lack of money also worked to put my mind at peace with what I could or could not do. Soothing my own self-doubts and failing to fulfil my desired potential and making me comfortable in the jobs that I was doing which I also enjoyed and had fun with it but were not exactly what was I wanted to do.
- Fear of failing
- Lack of confidence in my written English and Portuguese and in my creative capabilities in any of the five languages that I speak.
- Impostor syndrome- when I finally decide to write something and people say that is actually good, alright, not too bad, made them laugh or it’s relatable
- My overthinking mind…lets me down…but also allows me to be creative and to put on paper all of my mad thoughts. Blessing and a curse but mostly I just wish I would just stop over-thinking and be allowed to sleep more.
What I have done to fix it?
- I started to take online courses, to improve my cv so I can eventually get the career that I want and in the future further m studies and do a master.
- I am getting involved as much possible with creatives in the music Industry, so I can be around like minded people, find my tribe
- Writing on this blog, to continue to improve my English and to help with my confidence. This blog helps me to improve my confidence, regardless if it is good or bad because it is a project that I committed to it to publish something every Sunday for a year. Publishing something that I have written is something that I could have never done 1 year ago. Little steps. Keep swimming…
This year I learned that I should not feel bad about the choices that I made. I will never ask money from people, I also hate being in debt and owing money to anyone even if it is the government…I am a strong independent black woman or just the thought of being solely or partially dependent on a partner or asking money to friends makes me cringe. Never done it. Never will. I only need the people around to support emotionally and to be my Hype Men when I need them to be or just to share with me pizza and cake when I need a hug. That, and having a roof over my head, paying the bills and food to eat is just being responsible and having common sense but is also important for my mental health and sense of being to try everything in my power to fix it. Yes, I might not have any privileges, especially in this post-Brexit Britain, but I will keep trying, I will keep swimming…like Dory…like Maxine Waters…
What would you do if you were not scared? How have you overcome your fears or social-economic constraints?